The Absolute has Absolutely drained their hearts…
The Eternal has Eternally closed their doors…
In that dullness they drain the sap….
In that darkness they conceal the light….

Hidden lies the roots of their own suppression…
Mysterious are the effects of their own unspent lust….
They know not the cause of their own dispassion….
For their voice, breath, sight and speech sound the drums of tyranny…
Bleek are the chances of their recovery…..

For the light of their lives are spent in the dark chambers of their mind…
Pounding the rays of hope into smouldering dust of Arsenal….

Creating myths of projections…
Injected into their assuming minds….
Oozing with secretion of ulcerated bile…
Feeding on myrrh suckling on a bosom filled with wine…
From the sour stench of gossiping mouths….

They preach of stuff Beyond their reach
Yet they are the teachers that teach
‘ The Oneness of mankind ‘….

Double Standards on their lips….
Though they prescribe Oneness as tips…
Paradoxical flips…..
That drive people into insanity….

What Absolute is Absolute…
Without the sap of life???
Without warmth of compassion???
And a Dead Look in the Eye….

Oh dear Preacher Teacher….
It’s time to face a mirror, standing face to face….
And look you in the Eye….
Just let ‘You’ be you…..

Man’s curiosity is constantly aroused and endlessly takes one through different journeys in life. Ultimately what are we looking for? Be it Physical comfort, financial stability, social acceptance, Mental ease, Man is constantly seeking happiness. When his happiness includes the happiness of all, there is a sense of freedom that comes with it. The central core of consciousness remains unchanging in spite of the phenomenal world of constant change that surround us and in which we are placed. The outer world of experience and the inner sense of value have a common norm that is linked to an unspoken Universal law. When man’s inner instinct and potential are channelized into the spirit of creative expression, his passion can find inter-connective meaning in value which is the throbbing undercurrent of the universal law. Like fine tuning the strings of a guitar, when he fine tunes into that space he finds freedom of ease.
We experience this world with the five sense organs and the inner organs of perception that questions, recalls memories, judges, makes decisions and discriminates. All of this gives a personal sense of affectivity and identity. The organs of perception interact with the external forces such as light, sound and various kinds of pressures. Our sensory experiences are experienced as pleasant or painful. Like light and shadow, we have contrasting elements of knowledge and ignorance in the field of awareness. These two basic elements set the tone or rhythm within the field of consciousness. Our concepts, percepts and every form of structuring constantly express modulations of consciousness. Happiness or sense of ease is felt when connected to that one source of all knowledge.
Sound has the inherent quality of space, the all filling psychic space. Sound can affect, influence and alter things. By altering the pitches and frequencies sound vibrations are modulated to form words and languages. This largely governs our lives. Words can be used to hurt, to command, to instruct, to govern, to lead, to appeal, to console, to express grief, to describe, to create visions and also lead the mind into great depths. Sound can shake us and also pacify us. When sound is structured it gains psycho dynamic power.
Knowledge is compared to light. Light can range from the most feeble flicker to the most brilliant radiance. When light increases it removes all shadows. When shadows are removed the very nature of visibility changes, just like when knowledge increases, ignorance decreases and clarity remains.
When each string of a guitar is fine tuned to its own tonal pitch, it is ready to produce music that can be jarring or harmonious. The structure of a composition can create effects that can harness any range of emotion. It can instil a sense of patriotism; it can reverberate the passion of nostalgia, it can absorb the peace of devotion, it can fill a hall with celebration, it can race the pulse with an adrenaline rush, or create an emotional stir.
Between the song and the singer there is Passion of the spirit of creativity, there is knowledge of the structure of the notes, effort to act and bring forth the best and finally there is a merging together of the song and the singer being completely absorbed into one. The link between the sparks of consciousness and the source is this very self within the limited body, mind complex that has the ability to connect all value worlds into one comprehensive whole beyond all divisions.




The word Sanyasa comes from two Sanskrit words Samyak Nyasam – Sanyasam. Samyak means Balanced. Nyasam has several meanings according to the context it is used. It can mean – Putting down, taking off, entrusting, laying aside, drawing, resigning, final tone etc. In this context it means a total calming down or stabilizing of the body, mind complex. When the breath has stabilized, the body also aligns to that balanced stability. Balance in Prana brings balance in the vital life force.

In India Sanyasa is given to a disciple when the teacher feels that he/she is ready to find that balance. Some take up sanyasa after age 60 when they feel ready to lead a life of renunciation.

In the Indian Tradition, there are the four stages of human life. It is called – Varnashrama Dharma. Varna literally means color, ashrama means hermitage and Dharma means inherent nature of things. Life is an evolving and learning process. Life is divided into four stages. The first stage is Brahmacharya or student life. At age 11 – 24 the student life begins after a ceremony. The student is sent to live in the house of a Teacher, which is called Gurukula. This stage focused on education. Acquiring knowledge of science, philosophy, scriptures, logic, self discipline, ethics and morals. Preparations to live and face life.

Age 24 – 48 the shrama (duty) changes. This stage is called Grihasta Ashrama. The student returns back to his home, having developed body and mind and is then entitled to get married and live the life of a householder. Raising a family, educating children and living a dharmic social life. Here one acquires worldly knowledge and practices a virtuous life. Social responsibilities, caring for parents, act of giving, caring for the poor and needy, honoring guests,  and sense of sharing. The physical and emotional aspect of life is experienced finding meaning through expressing and building ones own creativity and innate potential and sense of value.

The next stage is Vanaprastha Ashrama. Age 48 – 72 one moves out of worldly life entrusting responsibilities to children. Life of retirement begins. Focus is on spiritual studies and moksha (liberation). Education continues in the forest or solitary space. Restraining speech, living a simple life, controlling mind, overcoming passions and detachment from sense objects.

This final stage is called Sanyasa – Renunciation. Kashaya Vastra (saffron) is given in a ceremony after shaving the hair. Ideally un-stitched cloth is worn. Hair is kept shaved or allowed to grow into dread locks. Kashaya is the color of dawn and dusk. It is the color of fire. Fire is a symbol of sacrifice and renouncing. Worldly life is renounced completely and spiritual life is pursued.

In this process the development of body and mind helps to bring balance at the subtle and causal level. Brahmacharya supports mind and senses through knowledge and study. Garhasthya supports intelligence through sacrifice, handling wealth and family. Vanaprastha supports breath through contemplation and wisdom. Sanyasa supports Self through liberation and renunciation.

This was prescribed in the book of law – Manu Smrithi. Such was the guideline that held the culture and tradition of India. Many people like Siddhartha Gautama for example felt ready to leave at an earlier stage of life.

Every cell in the body is programmed to function according to the inherent innate nature and external causes and conditions that come upon it. The sthula shareera or the wakeful body is governed by constant thirst and need – Vaishvanara. The sukshma shareera or the dream state is governed by concepts and percepts – Taijasa and the deep sleep state or the causal body is governed by wisdom – Prajnya. Turiya the fourth state of consciousness is the undisturbed yogic state.

In the underuse, misuse and over use of time, sense objects and activity lie the roots of ill health; appropriate use there of safe guards good health says Vagbhata one of the classical writers of the ancient Ayurvedic texts.

Ayurveda defines good health like this:-

Sama dosa, sama dhatu, sama agnischa, mala kriyaha, Prasanna indriya, atma, manas swasthiya iti abidhiyatte.

Balance of 3 bioelements, balance of 7 body tissues, balance of body fires, excretions, actions, calmed senses, spirit and healthy mind, this is the definition of good health.

Sanyasa is given to one who is willing to devote his/her entire life and time into such a living practice. Samyak Nyasam – balance of prana or body breath comes from dedicated effort, controlled life style and wisdom of higher knowledge.

Surrender does not mean to be inactive and stagnate. Surrender is a shift in the mind from conditioned existence.



When we walk into a house where the furniture is all out of place, foot wear strewn around, unwashed mugs and plates scattered here and there, washed and unwashed clothes piled in corners, a guest who walks in for the first time, feels like putting things in order. Our life is pretty much like this. We try this and that, continue to do this and drop that, then pick that up again and drop this, we try out something new, retain something old. This goes on and on and on through this endless voyage of life. Somewhere, life brings us to a spot where we have tried the this and the that and all of that and now we are up against the wall with nothing further that we feel drawn to try. At this point, a point of contact arises in us, and when we notice that, we feel like the universe supports us to put things in order. This is when we are prepared to uphold and move along with the cosmic order. We’re up against the wall. Ordination happens and things start to fall in order.

When my Master (spiritual father in India) passed on 14th of May 1999, I felt totally shattered and in complete chaos. Now what? I recalled with nostalgia the words he said to me a little before his passing – “You are a half baked cake!” During the prayer class, he said – “From now on you will be called Gayatri Devi”.  I was surprised at my new name. I travelled with my Master to a small village where he installed a temple over his mother’s grave in his home town. After the ceremony, I left back to the temple where I lived with my master in the Blue Mountains. I found there a big parcel of dried fish that came in the mail addressed to my Master. This was unusual. I instantly called him and for the first time, I used my new name – “Gayatri Devi here, someone from Hyderabad has sent a parcel of dried fish, what would you like me to do with this?” In the ashram, we don’t eat or cook fish. He laughed and replied – “Oh, that’s because in an interview I talked about a Roasted coconut chutney that my mother used to make, and added that it would taste good with a little dried shrimps. You may open it out and distribute it to the families in the village.” Okay , I said and just before I cut the phone, he said – “ I just received a letter from a ‘Gayatri Devi’, we don’t want two Gayatri Devi’s. Remove the Devi. “Okay, so is there anything else”? He said – “Wait, and it will follow.” mmm interesting!

Unexpectedly after his demise and my wandering about in the Himalayas, I ended up at Tassajara Zen Monastery. I was Jiko for evening service, standing outside the Abbots cabin with my teacher Ryushin Paul Haller who was Doshi one evening during summer guest season. I was wearing a Black Phiran (Traditional Kashmiri woolen outfit), holding the burning Incense with two hands. He said to me –“How nice it would be if you had a rakusu on”. By now, I had been practicing at Tassajra for a while. This stuck in my head and we started talking about it. When I came over to the city center, Shohaku Okumura Roshi was doing a Genzo-e Retreat (It’s a unique offering, which focuses on the study of Shobogenzo a collection of works by great Mast Dogen Zenji).  This time the great Japanese scholar Shohaku Okumura Roshi was teaching the ‘Virtue of the Okesa’ – Kesa Kudoku where he talked about the Funzo-e (rag robe). I was most touched by how the monks in the past would find fabric that had no attachment, like cloth used to cover the dead, or material used by ladies during menses or child birth, or material bitten and chewed by rabbits or material partly destroyed by fire, anything that is discarded. They would clean and wash it, and dye it in ochre or kashaya color, cut it into pieces and sew it together. All this is done with a sense of humility, deep concentration on every stitch centered on breathing with a chant.

I told my teacher, that is a great idea. I would make a funzo-e. He agreed reluctantly, but set forth several guidelines. Each fabric should be bleached and dyed in blue color. I was never inspired to make one with brand new fabric. So began my hunt for rags. The first piece was a black handkerchief that Brother David Steindl Rast threw down from his pocket when I told him about it. He said – ‘That is discarded’. Later I asked for rag pieces from teachers who I felt were not attached to the material. Tenshin Roshi, Zenkai Roshi, Jordan Thorn, Mark Lancaster, Kosho and Sonja Gardenswartz. I brewed and brewed all summer through the summer guest season at Tassajara. I bleached in the afternoon during lunch break at the laundry area and dyed in blue over a blazing stove top at night, when only the baker and I were around. I put it all together with a lot of help from the crew I worked with at the stone office, the lovely Siobhan, Ann Baker and Elizabeth. I soon had to leave to India, when I ran into Vicky Austin and she provided the last neck piece. I had no time to bleach or dye it. It was a piece from Okusan’s (Suzuki Roshi’s wife) Kimono, which she left with Vicky for such projects. It was a deep purple piece. This was my lay ordination, where I was given the name Ji Kai Shindo (Compassion Ocean, Heart/Trust way), at an informal ceremony in the Abbots Dokusan room at City Center.

Several years later, again back at Tassajara my teacher Ryushin Roshi decided to ordain me as a priest, when again I had to return to India due to some problems with the visa. I had not sewn an Okesa (priest robe). Ryushin Roshi picked up an old Koromo from the Abbots cupboard, a kimono, and a jubon. He found an Okesa in the sewing room made by an unidentified person (in the days of Okusan, some young Japanese women used to help sew okesa’s). And my dear friend Judith Randel passed on to me her worn out old zagu (priest bowing cloth). There I was in the middle of the Ventanna Wilderness, bowing and vowing to my ancestors and teachers in India, receiving the robes and the bowls into a Japanese Tradition. My teacher Ryushin Roshi said at the end of the ceremony – “One world right here! I am an Irish man, ordaining an Indian woman, into a Japanese Tradition, right here, in California!

Now I wonder how things fall in order. The half baked cake started to bake further. Being Shuso is yet another ordination said Abbess Linda Ruth Cutts.

Shuso Entering Ceremony

In some South Indian Weddings, there is a kind of pre-planned enactment that is part of the wedding ceremony. On the eve of the wedding, the bridegroom dresses in a very simple white cloth that is wrapped around the waist and he says as part of the ceremony – “Oh no, no I cannot take on this responsibility of a householder, this is too much for me. I am going to Varanasi (Kasi) to live a renunciate life. I am leaving now”! He carries a small bundle of a set of very simple clothes and has a stick on which the bundle hangs down. This is done in front of the whole crowd of relatives and friends invited for the wedding eve dinner. The Bride’s uncle then walks up to the bridegroom and says – “Young man, you are young and not ready to go to Varanasi yet. Please stay! I will give my niece in marriage to you. Please complete your family life and then you will be ready to go into a renunciate life”. They do it three times. Then the bridegroom is taken by the elders in the family and dressed in grand attire and brought on a horse back and taken in a ceremonial procession. The bride is carried in a bamboo basket by her Uncle and brought into a ceremony where the women apply turmeric and sandlewood paste on her face and henna on her hands and feet. The women sing and dance around her.

I was reminded of this when the Ino and the Tanto went over the Shuso Entering ceremony with me and when we rehearsed in the zendo. It felt so unreal when I read the lines at first. It had to become real and I had to feel it in my body and mind before the ceremony early next morning. After zazen and a short service, the Shika led me into the zendo. The Ino went around and bowed to the Seniors and the community and made an announcement saying – “This is the winter 2016 Practice Period. Through the deep consideration of the Abbots and Senior Dharma Teachers, we offer you Shindo Gayatri the responsibility of Shuso for this Practice Period.” And hit the tsui-ching twice and bowed.

Behind the altar, the director, the Shika (guest manager), the Tenzo (kitchen manager), the work leader, Ino (zendo manager), the Tanto (practice manager) and the manager of the grounds and shop, stood around and did a full prostration to the Shuso. That sure touched the bones. Then she says – “This responsibility is too great for me, I cannot do this.” The director responds saying “You are our choice for Shuso. Please lead us and accept this responsibility. We give you our full support.”

The Shuso then does a full prostration to the Abbot and to the Senior Dharma Teacher. After which she says – “I have received Buddha’s Precepts and have entered this Temple, and I am deeply grateful for your teaching. But I am not yet ready to be Shuso.” She tries to turn away three times, but is stopped by the Senior Dharma Teacher. There is a deep yet subtle dialogue here between the Senior Dharma Teacher and the Shuso which is preplanned and yet spontaneous, unreal yet real. Then the Shuso faces the teacher and says – “These are beautiful days. May your good health continue. Please let me help you to continue the practice in this Temple.”

And the teacher responds saying – “Yes, please help me. This monastic shares my seat and my responsibility. Please give her your support.”

After this drama, which by now seemed very real to me, I was struggling with my zagu as I spread it out in front of my teacher and we did a full prostration to each other. Then I followed the Shika – Barbara Machtinger as we bowed low going around to the elders and the whole community.

Zen ceremonies make one feel humbled whether we like it or not, whether we know it or not. It does you before you think of actually doing it.


This person, Shindo Gita Gayatri was born in a small industrial city in South India called Coimbatore. A City with many cotton industries. Because of the salubrious moderate climate of this little City, many doctors selected this city for a retired life. So did my parents. Father was a doctor who went to England for his super specialization and on his return taught at Madras medical college. When he retired from there he settled down in this city which was in the foothills of the well known Blue Mountains of South India. My siblings were all born by then and all were in school or college. It was in this time of their retired life that I was born to my parents. Probably an accident!

Father was a Radiologist and Cancer specialist. Mother was a lover and healer of animals and birds. Mother’s mother was a healer in the village. She was also a manager of the village theatre group. Even though the women in those days were not encouraged to be educated, my father’s sisters were all educated and worked as teacher and nurse etc. Mother was not sent to school as the village was not well connected to the town and there was no convenient mode of transport. She had a personal tutor who came home to teach her. She also spent time in a convent with nuns learning to sew when father was away in England.

I grew up with several other beings. Cows, dogs, cats, love birds, Guiney pigs, turkeys, chickens. Mother even grew Mushrooms. Father used to read the ancient mythological epics like Ramayana and Mahabaratha to me as a child. Part of our grooming was to learn classical music or dance. Each of us were put through one or the other. I did a little of piano lessons, veena, carnatic music vocals and bharatnatyam (Indian classical dance).

A great Indian Rishi from Kerala South India, named Narayana Guru happened to visit my grandmother’s ancestral home. He installed our family temple, which today is a prominent and popular public temple. The temples that he consecrated were unique and different from the rest of the temples of those days. They were big open grounds with sand and had a pond, a garden, a library, and a hall for dharma talks. Some temples that he installed had just a mirror on the main altar or sometimes words, like we do on our kitchen altar in a zen temple. This Rishi had a disciple who was highly educated. He was sent to Sorbonne in France to study Western Philosophy and Education. His thesis on the Personal Factor in Education was well received by the great masters of his time, in France. This was presented in the French language and published in the Sufi Quarterly magazine. This teacher Nataraja Guru became the spiritual guide of my father and the other doctors in the city. He was a spiritual scientist in the sense that he connected the sciences of the ancient scriptures into modern scientific language. Thereby bringing together philosophy and science. The tradition in India is that we would bow down to the feet of the Masters when they visited. I was three years old when I first met the two masters when they came to my father’s house with a big group of western hippies who were around them all the time. When I was asked to touch their feet, I skipped the main teacher and touched the feet of his student Nitya Chaitanya Yati who was a philosopher and psychologist. He became my Spiritual Master, guide and mentor.

At age 23 I decided to marry and my Mast gave my hand in marriage to a military officer. Two sons were born out of this marriage. They both live in Mumbai. Both are working as brand managers in a music company and they are both part of two different bands. One does hard rock and the other is part of an Indian pop band called Sanam. Their father remarried an army widow and adopted her son. They are a happy family and live in Mumbai.

After my Master passed in May 1999, I picked up a begging bowl and started to wander in the Himalayas. Another student of my Mast who is a Sufi and a writer ended up travelling with me. We became co-travelers in life. We support and nourish each other in practice. We travelled together for about 5 years. To me this was a way of grieving my Masters death.

During one of our travels I carried with me the thickest book on the shelf of our library which my co-traveller picked for me. It happened to be ‘Crooked Cucumber’ by David Chadwick, which I read from cover to cover. Coincidentally I arrived in the United States to visit family. Visited City center and Green Gulch Farm. Later after I got back to India, I got a call from the Abbot Ryushin Paul Haller, inviting me to the Practice Period at Tassajara. He ordained me as a priest in 2009. Thus began my deep connection and practice with San Francisco Zen Center.

One Continuous Mistake

It was a Saturday morning. My body still not yet adjusted to the time change and jet-lag. Did laundry Friday night and went to bed late. I woke up in the morning and found that it was past time to do the wake- up bell. I jumped out of bed and got into my robes and rushed to the main building. The Sangha was all up and about. I wondered how it was without a wake-up bell. I let the Tanto know that I slipped up on the wake up bell. “Wonder if the Benji got it” he replied. The folks in the community were all getting ready to go into the zendo for zazen. Nothing seemed to be wrong. All seemed ordinary as usual. My Big mistake kept lingering in my head, shouting out loud – ‘How could you do this? Waking up the community is a responsible job and how could you slip out on that”? Then came the Ino. I went up to her and apologized. She said – “Oh! You didn’t ring the wake up bell?” I was rather surprised, “Was there a wake up bell” I asked . I didn’t have much time to figure this out, in the silent hours of early dawn when the Han struck out loud inviting people to the zendo. I had to stop the noise in my head and move on. I had to be by the Doshi door by the second roll down to step right in and do the Jundo (opening the zendo ceremony) before the Abbot came along.

In a Zen Monastery, the schedule for each day, is so structured around the sangha and well programmed in a perfectly choreographed way. The kitchen and zendo are harmonized in this structure as well. All the events that take place in the Temple, be it a food offering in the kaisando or a Dharma Talk in the Buddha Hall, all fall in place and move along with the day setting in motion the wheel of Dharma. It clearly defines the interconnectedness and nature of change. Without much talking about it, the very act of ‘just doing’ is so palpable in the body. The mind has no option but to move out of the way and receive what comes as it comes and face it ‘as it is’.

Later in the day on Saturday morning was the residents meeting. Each one had to say what felt real to them about ‘Giving and Receiving’. Each person had something deep to say. When it was the Tanto David Zimmerman’s turn, he started off saying that it felt like a ‘Dharma Talk’, when we were half way around the circle. I shared the story of my ‘Great Mistake’ of the day. Giving and Receiving happens without even the feeling of the giver or the receiver. This very ‘Gift’ of the BuddhaDharma and Sangha goes with us wherever we go. We carry it along.

Later I learnt that Killian Clark who was the Fukudo for the morning, had picked up the strings and moved on. He rang the wake-up bell when I did not show up. My Big Mistake went unnoticed. All happened as always. It sure was clear that nobody is indispensable. The Abbot Ed Sattizahn had the last word when I ran into him and he said – ‘One Continuous Mistake’. We burst into laughter!